- LUNAR LUNACY: Stephen Colbert mocks the ‘mystifying’ use of 728 million dachshunds to measure the Artemis II mission’s distance from Earth!
- WAR PATH: The ‘spine-tingling’ moment President Trump is branded a “mad dog” as he vows a civilization will “die tonight” in ‘vicious’ Iran escalation!
- WAFFLE WONDER: FEMA official Greg Phillips leaves the world ‘completely unglued’ with ‘unhinged’ claims of “biblical teleportation” into a Georgia ditch!
It was a monologue that left the audience ‘shaking’!
On a ‘brisk’ spring night in New York, Stephen Colbert took to The Late Show stage to dismantle a series of ‘blockbuster’ stories that have the nation ‘reeling.’ From the ‘rafter-raising’ return of NASA’s moon heroes to the ‘vile’ rhetoric coming out of the situation room, Colbert didn’t hold back on the ‘scandalous’ state of 2026.
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ‘UNFILTERED’ CIVILIZATION MELTDOWN RAP SHEET
The ‘Dachshund’ Distance & Moon Cookies
The ‘mayhem’ began with a look at the Artemis II lunar mission. While the crew set records by traveling over 250,000 miles from Earth, Colbert was ‘completely unglued’ by the New York Times’ attempt to measure the distance in pets.
“If you took 22-inch dachshunds and laid them nose-to-tail, you’d need 728 million dogs,” Colbert noted with a ‘vicious’ grin. “Americans will do anything to not use the metric system!” The ‘harrowing’ reality of space travel also included a mysterious floating jar of Nutella and the ‘spine-tingling’ moment the crew ate maple cream cookies while “dark” behind the moon.
THE ‘END OF DAYS’ RAP SHEET
| The Crisis | The ‘Unfiltered’ Detail | The ‘Reeling’ Reality |
| Iran War | Trump vowing to end a “civilization.” | Experts warn of ‘vile’ war crimes. |
| Artemis II | Record-breaking 252,756 miles. | Measured in 728 million dachshunds. |
| FEMA Scandal | Greg Phillips claims “teleportation.” | Landed in a ditch near a Baptist church. |
| The ‘Moon-plainer’ | Trump explains Apollo to astronauts. | Colbert brands it “insane” bullet-point reading. |
‘Bloodthirsty’ Threats & Easter F-Bombs
The atmosphere turned ‘electric’ as Colbert addressed the escalating war in Iran. The President reportedly left his base ‘shaking’ after dropping an F-bomb in a Sunday post, which Colbert joked was a “conversion to Islam” for the “true meaning of Easter.”
The ‘vicious’ rhetoric reached a peak with a post claiming a “whole civilization will die tonight.” Insiders have branded the Commander-in-Chief “bloodthirsty” and “like a mad dog,” a ‘harrowing’ description that Colbert noted stole his idea for a summer cannibal movie.
The ‘Teleporting’ FEMA Official
In the most ‘unhinged’ segment of the night, Colbert turned his sights on FEMA’s Greg Phillips. The top official has left the nation ‘reeling’ after claiming he has “involuntarily teleported” to a Waffle House 50 miles away.
Despite the New York Times interviewing two dozen Waffle House regulars who saw “nothing crazy”—other than the usual 2 a.m. knife fights—Phillips doubled down, calling the experience “biblical translation.” Colbert’s ‘raucous’ response? A reminder of Jesus’s famous (and definitely real) words: “Beam me up, Gotti.”
What do you think? Are you ‘completely unglued’ by the prospect of “business flammable” dress codes? Is the FEMA boss ‘reeling’ from a teleportation glitch? Let us know in the comments!